dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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