Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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