I think I won the penis lottery.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
