i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
it glows. i had to have it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
