she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
