a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
