I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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