I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
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After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
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my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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