Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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