she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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