Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
