So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
