dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
