normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm just crazy horny about you
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.