I'm so fucking centered right now
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
