your parents love me but you hate me
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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