She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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