why didn't you poke me back
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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