Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
