Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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