I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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