Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
