oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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