Cold hands, warm shart.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
