I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
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You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
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I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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