I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
