Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
