I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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