70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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