i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
