I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
