I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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