true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
