My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
