Just took my morning after pill in the library
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
