If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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