Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
