T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
