You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.