When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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