I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
