There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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