I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
