really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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