the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
