you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
