I didn't shave. On purpose
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
