Can i not drive my cunt home
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
