careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
