if you like me you must not know who I am
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
