he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
