my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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