I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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