You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
