I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Oh god it's open bar.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
