Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Randomize
