Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
